Best laid plans or something like that...
Our goal today was to get a Christmas tree. We’ve had a real tree for the last 12 years of Tater and she and Mac love everything about the adventure.
We got a late start today, the detritus of the week making us heavy still ~ late nights and early mornings combined to drag us down from the euphoria of a holiday.
In the past we’ve gotten trees from local lots, friends fields and true Christmas tree lots in the mountains. Today with all that this week was, we decided on a local tree lot treasure this year.
Somewhere in the hectic conversation that happens in the chaos, Tater agreed but didn’t fully understand. Maybe she wasn’t listening and as the parent of her 13 year old self, I am often betting on the not listening part.
But Christmas tree lot and Christmas tree farm have the tendency to interweave and become one when you’re not sure of the meaning of either.
In the backseat with headphones on and unaware of the outside world at that moment, Tater didn’t realize we weren’t climbing up a mountain as much as weaving through backroads. When we stopped at the tree lot, she was sure this wasn’t THE place.
We told her we’d bought trees at this exact same lot several times while she adamantly disagreed and tensions rose right there between Frasier Firs and wreaths.
Finally, she broke down.
Right there in that paved lot surrounded by Merry Music, tree hunters and the spirit of Christmas, she sobbed giant sobs of sadness, and pain.
In between sobs, true sobs of sorrow, she was able to describe where she thought we were going....the tree FARM where you have the stick to measure your tree and you hiked up a mountain searching for that perfect pick, then waving your stick until someone cut, wrapped, and delivered it to the truck while you sipped hot chocolate and listened to Christmas music.
Her sobs didn’t subside easily, and as she frantically searched online for a Christmas Tree FARM, that’s when I realized her truth.
Her tears were for much more than the loss of this one tradition.
Her tears were for the loss of this year and all that it held. One more thing added onto the crazy and taken from her.
Are we brutally honest and recognize we’ve been very fortunate to keep working and have all that we have?
But there’s been so much loss, grief, confusion, change, and uncertainty that she’s let one tiny thing overwhelm her and destroy something that’s we can easily fix.
It’s how we’re all feeling these days and there’s no rationale needed for a major meltdown at 3:12 on a beautiful Saturday afternoon in an old paved lot full of Christmas trees and cheer.
Go easy on yourself and give yourself and others a little grace when you can.
Of course we’ve got this. Some days are harder than others and some days you don’t get a Christmas tree from the local lot but make plans to leave early the following day for a mountain adventure filled with sticks and hot chocolate.
Whatever you do, know that it’s enough at that moment and for whatever you need.
with Glitter and Grace, Sasha
PS ~ THIS isn’t our tree. This is a perfectly good tree that we won’t be taking home because it’s on a LOT and not a FARM.